KEIRA LYNN DODD

Mountaintop Experience

 

I went because I was told
I should. The journey wasn't

remarkable.  I saw rocks

and shrubs, tall trees, some birds

I couldn't identify, the sky--

a nameless blue-- a background

for the view as I kept craning

my neck ever upward to see

where I was going. 

 

My mind wandered

in the interrupted silence

of wind and bough, my feet

crunching rhythmically

on the diaspora of leaves.

 

I tried to pay attention,

but there was nothing

on which to hang my thoughts.

Inside, I climbed my mind,

but I kept slipping

and found myself in free fall.

My muscles moved

automatically, and the elevation

ticked steadily upward. 

Many times I almost

turned around.  What was I doing

up here?  Where was I going?

Why?  My voice hid in my throat,

afraid to talk to itself.  I recorded

nothing of the climb.

I carried no device. 

I was a shadow, empty

of substance, a hole in space.

I climbed because I was told

I would find something

at the top, but I soon forgot

why I came.  The journey

ate up everything around it.

 

With each step, I erased more

and more of my story, until

the beginning and the end

were gone, and all I was

was a middle, and then

only a moment-- this moment. 

I had to watch my breath

to remind myself that I

existed.  Nothing seemed real,

including me-- but then

I couldn't explain what real was.

Thinking somehow made

everything less real, so I kept

moving, thoughts dissipating

like clouds in a summer sky.

 

I was almost at the top,

but I didn't know it, didn't care.

The air thinned out,

and my lungs had to work

even harder to prove

my existence.  My heart

thundered in my chest,

and I turned to look for the rain.

I wondered where the lightning was. 

A few steps from the top,

I stumbled.  I was so close

to something-- too close.

My heart shrank,
and I collapsed to my knees. 

I hissed a long-forgotten prayer,

but it turned to dust

the minute it left my lips.

Ancient words

wouldn't help me here.

They were wrong,

all wrong.

 

I crawled the last few feet,

then forced myself to stand.

Around me, the trees and shrubs

stood with me.  The rocks

supported me, and I stood

transfixed.  The sky

expanded out in all directions,

a vast ocean above me--

I had to stop myself

from jumping into it,

but I knew if I did,

I would only evaporate. 

Every cell in my body

became a mirror

in which I could see

what I'd come for.

I looked inside

and saw myself reflected

in every direction,

and I looked outside

and reflected everything

back outward. 

My skin tingled,

becoming a simple outline,

and the real me bled out.

I wasn't anything anymore.

I felt my body crystallize

as I left it.  I let go

and floated untethered

into the void...

 

Or I would have

if anything had actually

happened.  Instead, I looked

around for a few minutes.

I saw nothing remarkable,

just a lot of rocks, trees, and shrubs,

but I left refreshed,

with a new appreciation

for nothing in particular.